I have no photos to share, as I purposely did not take any and I was sickened watching other visitors to the camp take videos and snap photos of barbed wire, camp signage, ovens, and human ash pits. It is wrong to do this on so many levels. What are you going to do, go home to Korea/Norway/Germany and assemble all your favorite Auschwitz photos into an album so that you can cherish it forever and show your grandkids photos of your visit to one of the most heart-breaking places on the planet?
Well, that was my reaction on Monday, but today I've calmed down a little bit and am feeling less judgey. This is just what we've been trained to do - when we see something interesting, take a picture. I didn't want any pictorial evidence of my experience. It was more than enough for me to be there and to feel what I needed to feel and then leave.
Yes, I was moved. Yes, I was disgusted. Yes, I was devastated. All of these sentiments are typical and to be expected when putting one foot in front of the other in the footsteps of tragedy, especially one of such abhorrent and calculated inhumanity. Perhaps it is more meaningful for someone, like myself, who has a personal connection to the events that culminated with the near complete extermination of generations of European Jewry.
However, I did not feel the pain as deeply as I wanted to, as strange as that my sound. You can't imagine how many people get shuttled through Auschwitz on any given day...and those crowds detract for sure. Especially when the guides seem to be wholly concerned with butting up against the tour group ahead or being rammed by the one behind. It turns the experience into more of an exercise of timing and crowd control than an opportunity to contemplate what is there.
The constant encounters with other tour groups were troubling for another reason. You see, it is compulsory for grade-schoolers from many European countries to take the tour of Auschwitz. While it makes sense in theory, I got the impression that these kids were not mature enough to contextualize what they saw. Many were simply there because they had to be there, and they were more focused on being kids and being on a school trip with their classmates than they were on the subject matter. For someone like me, who was there because I wanted and needed to be there, it was difficult to coexist in this social environment. I found it to be disrespectful to the memory of those who had such a heinous "existence" here and were ultimately murdered. God damnit, there were still bone fragments in the soil from the incinerators!
Wow, I guess I am still trying to make sense of what I saw two days ago. I still feel raw - it's so draining to be pounded for four hours nonstop by shattering and devastating revelation after revelation. It is not digestable like the bit-by-bit history we learn about in school or in documentaries/Hollywood dramas. I feel sorry for the Poles who have to live with this on their soil; their country will always be known by many first and foremost for this hideous three or four years of history.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us even though, and especially because, it was so difficult. In a way, I feel like you have taken us there with you. Keep writing ... please.
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